Let’s Do The Putin Scootin’ Boogie

The 2014 Sochi Winter Olympics are coming to a close (or already have, depending on where you’re reading this. I’m not really sure how time works) and once finished, people the world over will be left with one resounding question: What can we take away from this beloved and controversial global event?

Have no fear. Below, I’ve compiled a list of the most important life lessons with which Sochi so generously gifted us:

That Johnny Weir dresses better than 97.6% of all straight men, and 92.4% of all straight women. (I’d give you the mathematical equations behind this, but I fear they’d go right over your head. Just trust me.)

That if you refuse to let the gays help with the decorating, the whole place will fall to shit.

That Russia – along with much of the world – is in serious denial. “Officially,” there were 11 gay athletes participating in the Olympics. Total. And all of them women.

Really? We’re doing this?

Okay. Well, I guess that number is probably accurate, if we’re not counting every single male figure skater from every single country ever.

Alright, so that last sentence is completely true a slight exaggeration. But seriously, if there’s anything more gay than wearing a bedazzled chiffon blouse and dancing on knives to the music of Andrew Lloyd Webber, I haven’t seen it. (I’d like to, though.)

That no one will ever understand curling. Ever. Even the athletes don’t understand it. They thought they had signed up for ice dancing.

That this is what Vladimir Putin looks like when he’s watching figure skating:


And this is what Vladimir Putin looks like when he’s standing near the Olympic rings:


This is what Vladimir Putin looks like when he’s being tickled:


And this is what Vladimir Putin looks like just before he murders this puppy:

Bulgaria Russia  Putin Borissov

Don’t do it, Vlad! Just let the puppy go.

That Shaun White is 412% hotter with short hair, but that long hair is the source of all his power.

That Canadians ruin everything, from bacon to hockey.

That Kate Hansen is a better dancer than me.  (And is also probably better at the luge than I am, but I’m pretty freaking awesome at the luge, so I can’t be certain. Let’s just call it a tie.)

Speaking of the luge: that this sport is basically the Olympic equivalent of pushing a bunch of people off a cliff and calling it a race to hit the ground the fastest. Congratulations, you almost died faster than everyone else almost died.

That the list of things Russia’s government is cool with is surprisingly eclectic. I’ve developed this handy pie chart to help explain:


This should clear things up.

That certain NBC reporters want Bode Miller to cry more than they want to breathe air. In the next Olympics, journalists will be beating the athletes with two-by-fours rather than wasting time with questions. It’s quicker.

And finally, and most importantly, that Bob Costas is a demon.

Pinkeye my ass.

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