Nuts. Literally.

Grammar is a really big deal to me. By that I mean, if I’m reading a book, and I come across a typo, I immediately strip the author of approximately 99.75% of his or her credibility. And then I set the book on fire.

I know. Harsh.

Books aren’t really the worst offenders, because let’s face it: if you’ve written thousands of words, over hundreds of pages, there is bound to be a mistake or two. I get it. We all have problems.

My issue is more with things like advertisements, magazine articles, even television commercials which use words incorrectly or misspell their message or generally just piss me off. It drives me crazy. Like, “Silence of the Lambs” crazy. Or bath salts crazy.

That said, there is one grammatical mistake I make about 67 times a day, and it is this: incorrect usage of the word “literally.”

I love this word. It is, without a doubt, the most overused word in my vernacular, so much so that I have tried, on more than one occasion, to eliminate it entirely from my daily vocabulary. But I can’t. Because the word “literally” literally makes everything better.

For example: If I were to say, “I am going to kill you with knives,” that would be okay. I mean, it might be sort of funny, or sort of scary, depending on our relationship. If I said, “I am going to kill you with knives, but you know, figuratively. I would never hurt you, lulz!” that would be lame. But if I said to you, “I am literally going to kill you with literally, like, seventy-two knives,” the awesomeness of this threat increases by a great deal.

(I also enjoy a good exaggeration.)

My point is, I know that I’m using the word incorrectly, because I’m not literally going to kill you, and if I were, we would probably not be friends and you would probably not be reading this blog. (You might be thinking, “Lauren, we are already so not friends, despite the fact that I am reading your blog.” That’s fair. Carry on.) I also didn’t literally sleep for 100 hours last night, nor will I literally give you a million dollars to hang out with me, and I can almost guarantee I could never literally eat my dog’s face because she’s so freaking adorable and slobbery and gross. Nevertheless, I have said all of these things, and with glee.

Anyway, one day I literally decided to start a blog. (Wait…that one works.) And in doing so, I imagined many names for said blog (most of which involved the word “blog” because I am nothing if not creative). My friends chipped in and offered their suggestions, and while I almost decided upon my personal favorite (My Milkshake Brings All the Boys to the Blog), I wanted the title to have something to do with me. (And while my milkshake does a lot of things, I’m not sure it does exactly that.)

Which brought me to the phrase, “Literally, nuts.” Because nuts are funny, one, and two, because I am pretty much actually and very literally insane in a myriad of ways, which I’m sure we’ll get to later. And also because then I could put a picture of actual, edible, adorable little kernels on my title page and giggle to myself because they would be literally nuts.

Oh, puns. I wish I knew how to quit you.

Update: One of my friends just texted me to say “Did you mean to have the typo at the end?” No, I did not mean to have a typo in the post about how much I hate typos. I am an asshole. (Don’t try to look for it, I’ve killed it with fire.)

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