That Time My Dog Ate:

  • raw meat
  • dirty shrimp tails from the garbage (as opposed to those really pristine clean shrimp tails that live in their own shrimp palaces and have shrimp maids)
  • coffee grounds
  • milk cartons
  • the paper that sticks of butter come in
  • toenail clippings
  • shoelaces
  • gloves
  • hats
  • Steve Madden sandals (two pair)
  • Victoria’s Secret bras (she really only goes for brand names. She’s like The Real Housewife of Ruining My Shit)
  • an entire EOS lipgloss; you know, the kind that come in the cute egg-shaped containers. The weird kind that are full of wax rather than dog food.
  • eight hamburger buns (I know you’re thinking, “Big whoop, I could do that.” But it was all at once. If you’ve eaten eight hamburger buns all at once, without a burger between them, and you’re not a dog, that’s super weird.)
  • a box of cocoa
  • a bag of Hershey’s Kisses with foil wrappers
  • 16 brownies (you know that whole, “omg chocolate KILLS DOGS” thing? Yeah, this bitch laughs in the face of danger)
  • a used tampon (found in the STREET, mind you)
  • popcorn
  • chicken wings
  • chicken bones
  • indiscriminate bones found in bushes, likely belonging to diseased rats and the undead
  • literally anything sticky
  • grass
  • dirt
  • snow
  • yellow snow (especially yellow snow)
  • piles of her own fur that collect in the corners of my apartment
  • her own vomit

Things my dog will never, ever, EVER eat, under any circumstances:

  • vegetables
Brought to you by this embarrassment.

Brought to you by this embarrassing drunk.


UPDATE: I totally forgot the time she finished off two white russians. The drink, not the people.

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